QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

By Julie Elaine Brown, M. A.

Having Mom or Dad live with you is an incredibly rewarding experience. Each day you will learn something new about him or her, share jokes and stories, and cement a bond that is deeper and more intimate than when you were a child!

But the question is: Can you do it?

Be honest with yourself and consider your situation fully before deciding to take Mom or Dad into your home. By weighing the pros and cons, you and your parents will reach a decision that works for everyone.  

The Kids, the Husband, and Mom

Having Mom or Dad under your roof with your kids, your partner, and your pets is often a daunting mission. Looking for a little snuggle time on the couch when the kids are at the neighbors? Mom’s right there! Need a little relaxation in the bathtub? Dad’s incontinence means you better make that time in the bathroom fast—it’s the only one in the house.

The day-to-day challenges of Mom or Dad living at home can really wear you down. You might want to look at the multitude of senior living options.

Time & Attention

Time is at a premium when you’re a family caregiver. In fact, family caregivers tend to be the most efficient people around. I know of people who resolve insurance claims issues over the phone while cooking dinner and picking up after their kids (and I’m sure they probably write out their grocery lists at the same time!)

If you have kids—think about when they were babies. They needed your full attention ALL THE TIME. Depending on how independent or active Mom or Dad is, you could end up bathing them, brushing their teeth, doing all the laundry, cooking meals for the whole family, running around to various doctor appointments, and more.

Before signing up for another full time job, you should think about:

• Your Current Job Do you have to travel a lot? Would your boss enable you to work flexible hours? Who covers for you if Mom needs weekly appointments an hour away at her specialist?
  
  Think about how your work might be affected if you suddenly have a full-time job taking care of someone at home.And, if Mom or Dad needs management with medications—who will be there to help during the day? You might have to go part-time, or hire someone to help during the day. 
  
• Your Kids More than 25 percent of families are involved with eldercare. This so-called “sandwich generation” cares for his/her children and their parents! Your kids need you around all the time—and with soccer practice, piano lessons, and homework—you might not have a single hour each week for yourself.
  
  Can you handle having a full-grown adult under your care at the same time? Think about how your kids might react to Grandpa or Grandma getting more attention than they do. What happens if your weekly hike up the mountains is now stopped because Grandpa or Grandma needs to stay at home?
  
• You Do you have a hard time finding time for yourself? If it seems like a joke to go out to lunch with a couple of friends on a Saturday now, what happens when Mom or Dad is living with you? Would you take him or her along to a lunch with friends or on a shopping escapade? Caregivers often report having little or no time for themselves.
  
  Working non-stop as a caregiver, a parent, an employee, and more is not only exhausting—it’s dangerous. Many health conditions may be prevented by a healthy lifestyle which include proper exercise, breaks, and stress reduction techniques. Will you have enough time to go for a 30 minute walk each day if Mom or Dad lives with you? Will you have the time to cook healthy, nutritious meals for the whole family? Ask yourself these questions and more—because if your health fails, you won’t be able to take care of someone else.

Money, Money, Money

Sometimes, having Mom or Dad at home is just as expensive—or more expensive—than outside homes or homecare. Especially when you consider how much your time is worth. Could you financially accept going to part-time, or being laid off because of caregiving duties? What about hiring someone to help clean the house, take Mom for a daily walk, or manage Dad’s medication schedule? These items add up—and are often included in the services at a senior facility.

Think about the costs associated with nutritious food, and home cooking on a daily basis. Organic fruits and vegetables are costly and may be standard fare at a senior living facility.

Mom's or Dad’s Needs

Does Mom want to live with you? Instead of making assumptions, have a heart-to-heart conversation with her. Ask her how she feels about a potential role reversal, with child taking care of parent.

Think about Mom or Dad’s personality traits and the activities they enjoy. Are those compatible with that of your household? If Mom has always enjoyed peace and solitude, will she enjoy living in your house with the kids, their friends, and the dog?

Keep in mind that moving to your home may mean that Mom abandons her favorite neighborhood store, or her best friend who she’s lived next door to for the past 35 years. Sometimes a senior living facility enables Mom to stay in her long-time neighborhood—and increase the chances that her friends from the neighborhood may join her at a local senior home.

By having a conversation with Mom about what she really wants, you’ll be sure to take her needs into consideration.